a letter

How could you? How fucking could you do something so stupid that would take you out of your fucking JOB and leave behind everyone that cared about you here. I’m sick to my stomach and it’s all because of some bullshit, something that you have no business doing.

Or should I say someone.

I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut, you mattered to me more than my fucking father did and now you’re gone and I can’t see you and I feel like I’m being stabbed every time I think about you.

I DIDN’T GET A CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE.

You left. Just like everyone does. You were the one person I counted on never leaving.

Everything is falling apart, and I can’t. I just can’t. First you’re gone before I even got the chance to say HELLO much less goodbye, and then Tommy Maron isn’t auditioning, and I fucking blew it for auditions, and WHERE ARE YOU. This is ALL because of some fucked up situation because you couldn’t think about your fucking family.

But thank god for sisters, right? Because while you’re gone, she appeared. I haven’t seen her in a year, and she came through. You should learn something from that. You left when you were needed. And what about your family? Spencer needs you. I’m sure of it. I’m this close to sending you a letter, a letter to say goodbye, to ask for a rec letter, to say how much I needed and appreciated your guidance over the years.

You don’t deserve it, but I can’t stay mad at you forever. As much as you’ve fucked things up, I still can’t forget the times when I went to your room and centered myself and left so much lighter than I was before. You were always an option and you were always happy to receive me and the feelings and thoughts and the ramblings and the stress. I needed a safe space, and you were it.

I guess this is the goodbye I never got.

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