Another Letter

There are so many things I want to tell you. Just to say. Because I wish you could hear them.

I am so overwhelmed. I barely understand my math homework, I feel like I’m falling way behind in English even before I do, I just can’t get my college essay right, and now I need to obsessively worry about applying for scholarships.

The thing is, there’s a lot that I know you could’ve helped me with, or at least help me reason through before I drive myself insane. I just need someone to look me in the eyes, and tell me it’s going to be okay, because you’re the only one I believed when you said that.

You know me more than any other teacher does, which is why I needed you here to help me write my college essay. You know my voice almost better than I do, and I guarantee there’s something that I’m missing that you’d get in an instant. I know that with your guidance, I’d be able to get it right, get it how I wanted it the first time.

I miss you… if you haven’t noticed. There’s so much I wish I could talk to you about. I’m having such a hard time keeping a positive outlook, I’m having such a hard time trying to just keep my head above water, because I feel like I’m drowning. I’m so overwhelmed by the endless list, it’s just never done. I need someone I can just cry to, someone who will hug me and tell me it’ll be okay, and I’ll believe them.

I almost believed Ben. Almost. I was so close, but then it all just kind of washed over me again, I walked past your old room, and saw that goddamn salt structure that I always played with. I don’t even know if any of your stuff is gone. If your rainbow lab coat is still there, I’d take it, hold it hostage… So I could see you again.

I think the best part about you leaving is that I’ve been forced to become the main motivator for myself. Or maybe not motivator, but positivity generator. And that’s kind of a joke. It’s not that I’m positive all the time, but I’ve done pretty well at trying to keep my head above water. I’ve tried to stop the complete and utter panic that I’ve been feeling lately. It hasn’t happened completely. But I’m getting there.

I’m getting there without you. But I can’t help but wish you were still standing by me, having my back, because it felt good to believe what someone said. You were probably one of the only people that I trusted unconditionally, and believed everything you said without pause. It felt good to look up to someone like that.

It felt good to believe in you.

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