Living the Past

I could’ve sworn I’ve lived this before… the conflict, the stress, the feelings.

How could I have thought this year would be better when in actuality, it feels like I’m reliving the parts of sophomore and junior year that I’d rather not remember.

I can’t tell if I’ve finally realized how much I fucked up last year, or if I’ve changed as a person… because somehow the tables have turned, and I’m living a story from sophomore year with different characters, but it ends the same… but it can’t. As much as I’d like to think that with the past year I’ve grown and changed, I cannot promise that I will change the ending to the narrative that will play out.

I just got so JEALOUS, can I really not let people live their own lives? Am I that immature? Do I still want to feel that I have some control around the people that I used to have wrapped around my pinky.

Is that wrong of me? Does that make me the female equivalent of a fuckboy? Well no, because I don’t sleep with any guy I lay my hands on… but what makes this situation any different? This is something I’d rather keep in my past, far far away from my present… and yet I’m enthralled.

Ugh.

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