Won’t Say I’m in Jazz

Cause I’m not. Not at all. Nope. Nada.

I’m just tired. That’s gotta be what it is, because how could I be so delusional, so ABSOLUTELY MARVICA– haha jokes jokes. But seriously, why am I feeling this way?

This isn’t a new feeling… Actually that’s a lie. It is a new feeling, one that I never really trusted myself with before.

I just want to go to sleep. I’m 99.7% sure that would fix all of it… but sleep actually doesn’t even really help because I get scared and lonely in the dark, and it says something that I was sleep walking and talking about the show and the people in it.

It’s like… I think it started with wanting power and superiority… But then it like got more and more intense? Like wanting/needing to be able to have power over everything and everyone. I’m so done with feeling like a terrible person, but also feeling neglected and pushed aside.

Literally, I could’ve had it all last year. I guess I just wasn’t ready, but that’s so dumb I’m so dumb.

Now there’s no chance, and a fucking group chat is going off the hook, and I JUST WANT QUIET AND PEACEFUL TIMES AND I JUST WANT TO GO TO BED. Is it so impossible, if, just once, I could have maybe just a little bit of time where everything could be the way I imagined it to be… Maybe not how I imagined it’d be at the very beginning, but can I just have it all back?

I’ve gained so much, I’ve gotten Kess and Annie back, but I want to have him have all the people I’ve lost back.

If only, am I right?

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