He said he loves me.
Now is the time for me to make these kinds of mistakes, and it was that knowledge that lead me to pulling into his driveway instead of my own. Granted he was already in his driveway so it’s not like I was knocking on his door greeting him with kisses.
It wasn’t even like I pounced on him, I just gave him a hug. He’s so tall he just wrapped around me, I just kind of nestled my face into his shoulder and neck and just stayed there. He smelled so good, like a mixture of cologne and something else… I couldn’t tell what it was. I meant to look up at his face, but instead he kind of caught my nose with his nose and we just stood nose to nose for a little bit, just breathing. I think I tilted my head or he tilted his head but all of a sudden my nose was on the side of his and we were so close, so tantalizingly close. I don’t remember who leaned in first. But all of a sudden we were kissing, it was small kisses at first, small and light. It was a flurry of six or seven kisses, all while in his driveway, while my car was running. He kissed my forehead and told me to talk to him, tell me what I was thinking. I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted to kiss him again. I did. I finally had to go home, but I wanted to stay right in that moment forever.
I now understand how these things work. How someone can be in a relationship, completely in love, but somehow feelings and attraction seeps in and makes you realize that what you want is right in front of you but you can’t have it because he’s in a relationship. I suddenly understand the Science Scandal, how much allure the unattainable has.
I still don’t understand how or why someone can fall for two people or somehow feel such an undeniable pull… I still don’t understand how that happens.
But suddenly being involved, being in the middle, being the other woman somehow makes it a little bit more understandable.
I’m in the middle of consuming guilt and feeling completely shameless, and right now I’m leaning towards completely shameless, and unfortunately he’s leaning the other way.
But I’m not worrying. It’s good, it’s fine, it’s okay. It just proves to me that he’s not a terrible guy. Not terrible at all.
At least my most recent kiss won’t have been over a year ago, a sleepy mistake made with my then-best friend who doesn’t talk to me anymore, which I instantly regretted.
I can still smell him on my shirt, and I know that I haven’t instantly regretted this one.
Hurlburt I finally understand a little bit more.