I understand now.
I understand what could have been going through your brain when you were with her, I understand what you could have been thinking every time you got an email from her on your school account, I even understand why you did what you did.
I can’t help but think that if you were here, would I be in this situation at all? What guidance would you have given me, inadvertently pulling from your own experiences. How ironic is it that you are the only person that I would’ve felt comfortable talking to about this, and our situations were almost identical. Not that I am currently dating anybody. Or married. You know.
But I understand how feelings can get in the way, how even when you know you should stop, even when there’s a part of you that does want to stop, you can’t because the moment feels just so right.
But at least I wasn’t married, or in a relationship. At least I told him that we should stop before it gets too serious, before feelings got in the way, before we went too far, before we said and did things that we’d regret. But yesterday, that flew out the window. I forgot every single thing I should have said, every one of my qualms, because it felt so right.
I now know it feels, Hurlburt. I wish you were here so I could talk to you about this, as a mature adult. Well, not mature because I know that there’s going to be tears if I see you again. But, BUT. I just want to be able to be consoled, by the only person that I was once comfortable enough to talk to about this kind of stuff. Because you lived this on a larger scale. I just want to know that it will be okay, that even though he won’t break up with her, I shouldn’t waste my time on him.
I only trusted you Hurlburt. You were the only person that I knew that I believed everything that you would tell me. I need you to tell me that I deserve better than a boy who won’t be entirely mine. I need you to tell me that it really will be okay, that even though I want to cry my eyes out that I shouldn’t waste any time or tears on him. I need you to tell me that I’m better than this situation.
I just need you back.